5 Relationship Myths (& Why You Should Ditch Them!)

Relationship Goals. You know... boy meets girl, girl can't stop thinking about boy, boy thinks of 83 creative ways to woo girl, girl shops with BFF to find perfect dress, boy writes verses of poetry and crafts dining table with bare hands. They live happily ever after. You know, relationship goals.

Pick any social media platform and type in #relationshipgoals. Your search will result in millions of images of couples cuddling, holding hands and text screenshots.

The #relationshipgoals hashtag has been trending for years and has been taken over mostly by young teens who are anxiously awaiting their first relationship. What will it be like? Who will it be with? Will he be taller than me?

Though this hashtag may seem a little juvenile at times, how many of these relationship expectations have we carried over into our late teens? Into adulthood?

Today it's time to get your #adulting pants on, because we're going to be debunking some common relationship myths.

1. Happily Ever After

Let's get this one out of the way riiighhhtt from the beginning. There is no such thing as 'happily ever after'.  I'll say it again for the people in the back, there is no such thing as happily ever after. 

Now, the ever after part doesn't really seem to hinder us, but it's that first word that can really set us up for disaster. 

Our society is obsessed with finding happiness, creating happiness, doing what makes them happy, and equates success with happiness. This, by default, means that anything that makes us feel unhappy is a failure and not worth doing. 

This is why many people break up or get divorced... because their spouse 'doesn't make them happy anymore'. The truth is,

No one can be 100% happy, 100% of the time...about anything

Whether it's your job, your possessions, your progress in life compared to so & so, or your marriage, nothing will ever be perfect. That's just life and the sooner we embrace it, the more at peace we will be.

Another part of 'happily' that can lead to disaster is the fact that happiness and what people understand it to be is completely subjective. My idea of a happy relationship could mean something totally different to my partner, and that's why it's so important to hash out these expectations before making a serious commitment to another person.

So how do we debunk this myth?
By asking ourselves what our relationship expectations are, and if we equate the level of success of our relationship to our level of happiness. 

2. If They Love Me, They'll Change

Another way to put this myth is: I'll change them. Romantic movies have a lot to do with the last myth, and it also has a lot to do with this one. You can find countless films on Netflix that have the bad-boy-turns-good-for-girl narrative. Are we so selfish and proud to think that we have the power to do such a thing? That we are so special and different that they'll somehow forsake all their bad habits and even their personality traits just for us? 

Tough love my friend, but the odds are not in favour of those who think this way. 

Let's talk about a couple things here. 

First, if the thing you're trying to change is a bad habit, this is probably not going to go well for you. Why? Because if it's just a quirk that annoys you, your nagging about it will probably prevent them from wanting to change. If it's a serious bad habit, poor choices or addiction, on the other hand, that sounds like they behaved their way into whatever the case may be.

Either way, a person needs to desire to change in order to change. Not even God can change them if they don't want to be changed...and by that I mean He is a gentleman and will not force people to do things, that's why He gave us free will. 

Second, if it's a personality trait you're trying to change, it won't go well either. God has made every person wonderful and unique with their own quirks and traits. Who are you to say that He messed up but don't worry you'll fix them? Leave another girl's husband alone. It's worth waiting for someone whose personality compliments yours. 

So how do we debunk this myth? 

By accepting our partner for who they are (ending the dating relationship if necessary), and asking ourselves what we can work on to be the kind of mate we would want to have.

3. Love is a Formula

Like I talked about in the beginning of the post, searching #relationshipgoals on Instagram or Pinterest will result in couple selfies, text screenshots and lists...lots of lists. 

'15 Things A Girl Wants in A Guy'

'I WANT A GUY who...'

'A REAL boyfriend does x, y, z"

'The Perfect Boyfriend List'

I could go on.

All of these lists approach love like it's a formula, some sort of math equation or science experiment...that if all the ingredients are stirred together at the right time, true love has to ensue. 

Love is so much more than a mathematical equation (ew math). Love is more than just going down a list of things to check off. Love is more than a physical attraction, it's a connection of the soul. 

But love doesn't stop there, no. True love is a decision, a commitment to another through thick and thin. 

See, finding the right person happens naturally, not through a calculated hunt for the perfect specimen. That's creepy, lol. Chances are your eventual spouse will not meet everything on your list and you won't meet everything on theirs. 

So how do we debunk this myth?

Realize that love is not some sort of formula that you can create. It's something that happens naturally at the right place and at the right time. I knew my husband my entire life and only 'noticed' him when I was 17. You can't force it, it just happens. 

4.  Do It For the 'Gram

What, you didn't think we could go through this whole post without talking about social media, did you? We're literally talking about a hashtag!

This probably won't come as a surprise to you, but comparison is the thief of joy. It was in Bible days when the verse was written, and it is now. 

You cannot tell someone's relationship fulfillment through their photos

We have a bad habit of idolizing random strangers as #couplegoals when we 1) don't even know who they are, 2) have no context in which the photo was taken 3) have no idea what happened after. Maybe they got all cutesy for the pic and then resumed their argument after? Who knows?

Social media is a place to share life's joys, thoughts and accomplishments. I'm not saying that the couple in that picture is not fulfilled in their relationship, I'm just saying that putting people on pedestals based on their 'appeared happiness' is not worth it.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't compare your good relationship to someone else's just because they look better together. Don't force your partner to be someone their not just to get the picture to post for others to see. Be your authentic self in real life and online.

So how do we debunk this myth?
What you see online is only a curated feed, a highlight reel, if you will. You are only seeing what people want you to see. Don't compare yourself or your relationship with other couples on social media! It will definitely lead to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.

5. Love is Butterflies & Fireworks

This one is going to have my rom-com friends crying with ice cream. No, love does not mean butterflies and fireworks for the rest of your life. Butterflies can even go away before you're married. I know, shocking!

There are many stages of a relationship and the butterflies & fireworks phase is the first. You know, the excitement of a new love interest...do they like me back? I think they're so cute! Oh my gosh, he friend requested me on FB!

It's fun, and we've all been there. But love is not that. Love develops after this stage, when comfort sets in.

You see, if a relationship doesn't move past the fireworks into the stage of comfort, it's not growing. Now, that's not to say that you don't get butterflies 5, 10, 80 years into a relationship, but it may take up about 10% of it.

If your butterflies and fireworks are slowly being replaced by lulls of comfort, peace in companionship and unabashed openness because there's no fear of rejection, don't worry! Love evolves.

A relationship will not be a roller coaster of excitement 24/7. It will be two people living their own lives, together.

I'm convinced that God uses relationships and marriages to mold us and grow us to be more like Him. I have never been so personally challenged and moved to change than I have been in my relationship with my husband. Never have I seen my flaws so clearly. The right relationship will edify you...but that's another post for a different day.