Loving an Introvert

So there's this person, right? You care for them a lot. You've been together for a little or a long time and things are going pretty well, you'd say. Just one thing, though...they're different from you. Not in the way that you're incompatible...just in a 'you're-made-different-and-sometimes-I-don't-get-you' kind of way. After thinking about it for a little while, you realize...

They're an introvert.
...And you're an extrovert.

What happens next? Things get weird sometimes and they can get grumpy at really awesome parties or they always want to talk about the meaning of life when you get home from work and all you want to do is watch a movie.

It's true, loving an introvert can get tense sometimes. They can be hard to figure out. But I'll let you in on a little secret...you are too.

Being in an introvert/extrovert relationship requires patience and a willingness to learn by both parties. You are different. You both bring incredible qualities to your relationship that can really make you a power couple...but only if these characteristics are appreciated and understood.

So, What's an Introvert?

There are many varying definitions of an introvert. Some are very narrow, others overwhelmingly broad. I like the one from Vocabulary.com that writes:

Introvert comes from Latin intro-, "inward," and vertere, "turning." It describes a person who tends to turn inward mentally. Introverts sometimes avoid large groups of people, feeling more energized by time alone. The opposite of an introvert is an extrovert, who finds energy in interactions with others.

A few signs of introversion are:

1. You hate small talk 

(a fate worse than death)

2. Small Groups > Big Crowds 

(you can only handle people in small doses...and even then, you're very selective of who those people are)

3. You have very few friends 

(don't get me wrong, you're friendly. But you mentally cannot keep up with many people. You may have many acquaintances, but you could count the people you talk to on a regular basis on one hand)

4. You don't handle changes of plans very well 

(you like to know exactly what will be happening so you can prepare)

5. You're a deep thinker 

(not to toot your own horn or anything, but you're basically Confucius)

6. You see EVERYTHING 

(you see details others don't, you pick up on subtle emotions)

7. People love to talk to you 

(because you actually listen. Like, really listen)

8. You have a hard time opening up 

(for many reasons...we'll get there)

*It's important to note that introversion and extroversion are spectrums...there are no 'perfect' introverts or extroverts.

Think you might be an introvert? Take the quiz here on Introvert Dear to find out.

Help! My Partner is an Introvert & They're Nuts-o (fun)!

Now that we know what an introvert is (and you've determined that your partner is one of those alien creatures) let's talk about loving them, and understanding them on a deeper level. 

We'll apply some of the things we learned about introverts into a relationship context that will hopefully help us see where they're coming from. 

Making them Go Out All the Time Will Make Them Grumpy...and Bitter

I've said it before and I'll say it again...introverts find social time draining. This is not to say that we hate people altogether and don't ever want to hang out with friends. It's to say that we have a MUCH lower threshold of talk-time than extroverts do. 

Don't be alarmed if, at a friendly gathering, your intro-love suddenly stops talking and/or takes a questionably long bathroom break. They've reached their threshold and it's time to start wrapping things up. 

This can sometimes be alarming for extro-loves because they think their partner is mad at something and may try to start figuring out what they did wrong. Nope, they just maxed out on talk time and would love you forever if you brought them home soon. 

Now, on the flip-side, extroverts live for the party and the fun that social events can bring. They want to be with their friends all the time, and enjoy meeting new people and making new connections. This is very different from their intro-love who gets anxiety meeting new people and being in loud places with large groups. You can see, then, how some tension can arise in the relationship because a) the extro-love feels like their partner is holding them back from all the fun they could be having and b) the intro-love feels like they aren't enough fun for their partner to just be okay with staying home. 

Basically what's happening in their heads is: Why can't my partner just find what I like fun/enjoyable? 

The ideal date for an extrovert may be a concert and then going out for food with friends, while the ideal introvert date is staying home to watch a movie or going out to dinner, just the two of them.

So you see how continuously putting an introvert in situations where extroverts thrive can lead to disappointment and bitterness within the relationship...but it will most likely happen quietly, which leads me to my next point:

Introverts Are Like Icebergs

You see a little, but there's a lot going on under there.
Introverts are deep thinkers, analyzers and planners. Because they're less prone to talking, they see and observe EVERYTHING...and then they think about it for a long time. This is why introverts make great therapists and counsellors: they're excellent listeners and pick up on small details that help them deeply understand people. 

This characteristic of an introvert has a downfall, though...

Introverts are a volcano waiting to explode. 

Observing everything, analyzing it and then keeping it to yourself has its limits. 

This is why extro-loves are often blind-sighted when their partner absolutely blows up over something that they thought was small. Suddenly the extro-love is hearing about 23 specific things they did since September 4th, 2017 that have been irking the intro-love's soul. 

You can imagine how attacked the extro-love feels, not having ANY warning that this was coming. 

So now you're both upset and don't know where to go from here. Take a breath and decide to resolve one issue at a time. Once that's over, ask the intro-love the root cause of what they have been angry about. Chances are, they have thought long and hard about it since September. They've tried to figure out why those things you've done made them upset, and they've got a theory or two about the root cause or feeling that has been building up inside them. 

Taking care of the root cause a) will make your intro-love feel heard and understood and b) will consequently diffuse all the anger they were feeling (intro-loves don't like arguing...too much drama).

Introverts Are Like Onions

In the words of the honourable and wise Shrek, "ogres are like onions...they have many layers". If you haven't figured it out already, Shrek is an introvert. 

Like we've said before, introverts like to listen. They have much to say but prefer to keep it to themselves, inside their own head where it's safe. The only judgement they have to worry about is their own (which is quite harsh, btw). 

Introverts have built up many layers, or walls around themselves because, at the centre of it all 

they are very sensitive. 

Being introspective and 'deep' has it's pros, but it also has its cons. Introverts' sensitivity to criticism and vulnerability to overstimulation leads them to prefer safety over risk. And the safest person to be with is yourself, because you know you. What am I saying? It can take a long time for an introvert to open up to you, truly. 

What does this mean for an extro-love? Patience. 

Be patient with your partner, and gently ask them to share things about themselves in a non-invasive way.  

Listen to your partner. Introverts can say a lot in very few words.

If done well, an extro-love will discover that the onion's layers have fallen away to reveal...

Introverts Are Like Diamonds

Beautiful, hard to get to and precious. Extroverts love a good challenge, and loving an introvert can be one of the most satisfying victories of a lifetime. Introverts get to have a much more exciting life than they could have ever imagined (they won't admit it, though), while the extrovert gets to know and have this incredible person (basically) all to themselves.

Loving an introvert is like being a toddler's favourite person. You know what I mean. The cutest little kid you know that only wants to be held by you and they laugh at all your jokes/stupid faces.

Knowing an introvert on a personal and intimate level is something to cherish. They will be the most loyal of partners, and your number one fan.

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Thoughts from the Husband

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm the introvert in my husband and I's relationship. Ricardo is very extroverted, always the life of the party (which drives me bonkers sometimes...but hey, at least people are looking at him and not me). Since I shared my thoughts on loving an introvert from the introvert's perspective, I asked him for his thoughts from the extrovert's perspective. Here's what he said:

Consider Your Introvert Partner's Feelings First

Now, this doesn't mean you always do what the intro-love wants to do. Rather, it means remembering that extroverts are flexible while introverts are not. This is especially important with change of plans and random spontaneous opportunities. Introverts like to plan and are rarely spontaneous. While you would be fine (and would actually be excited) to jump on unforeseen opportunities, make sure to discuss it with your introvert partner before you say yes. 

Give A Little, Get A Little

If you're dying for some social time or want to stay out for bubble tea into the wee hours of the morning, spend time alone with your partner beforehand. Do something that they enjoy so that by the time you're ready to go out they're happy to see you go (because they didn't want to go anyways).

Make Double Sure They're OK with Something Extrovert-ey 

We've established how introverts don't like crowds or loud noises...so the prime example here is a concert. 

Imagine there's this artist you've been dying to see live, and they FINALLY come into town and you managed to score concert tickets...you're ecstatic! You ask your love if they'd like to come with you, and they say yes...but they're torn. Torn because they see how excited you are and want to share this obviously momentous occasion with you, and yet everything inside them is screaming NO! Terrible idea, very awful, much distress. 

Make double sure that they're actually OK with going. If you're suspicious that they're not, lovingly give them permission to stay home because that is 1000x better than them being mad at the concert the whole time (and after lol, oops) because they hated everything about the experience. 

At the End He Said...Loving an Introvert is The Best Medicine for an Extrovert

It will make you more grounded and cause you to see life in its entirety.